A year full of goodbyes

As I'm sitting here at 1 in the morning all I can think about is the many goodbyes I have had to say this year. A few a lot more permanent then others.

The year started off by having to say goodbye to a Mother of a best friend. This goodbye was expected to come, however not nearly as soon as it came and we all prayed that it wouldn't actually come the way it did. I remember walking to my bedroom with Andy heading for bed around 11 pm when the phone rang. I looked down at it, about to hit the silence button realizing that something was not right. Cara would not be calling me so late, she just wouldn't. Hearing her crying on the other end, not comprehending what was really going on, feeling so desperate to help but knowing that there was nothing I could do at that point, couldn't go help the kids, nothing. Can't I just go hug her? I just want to be there with her!!! I know that is Matts job so I just lay in bed waiting for the call back to tell me what to do. Andy is halfway asleep and doesn't even realize what has just happened. Aside from Andy I didn't know if I could tell anyone, would that be out of line? So I sat there, crying in my bed wishing there was something I could do.

Luckily the chance came. Without stepping on anyones toes I received the wonderful opportunity to go with Cara to help say her goodbye. As we walked into the Mortuary I didn't know what to do, all I knew was I needed to be strong for her. We walked down to see her mother peacefully, happily laying on the table ready for her daughter to take care of her. Get her all dressed up one last time. She looked so happy, so wonderfully peaceful! I just knew she was in a better place. I was blessed to be able to paint her nails and enjoy the company of her wonderful spirit. When it came time to leave Cara put it best "I just don't want to go" I felt the exact same way. I'm sorry Cara, I'm sorry I didn't go and let you and your mother have your personal time. I didn't know what you needed me to do. All I wanted to do was be there...with you, with her. The funeral came and she looked incredible! Cara did an amazing job at making her mother look perfect! I was so blessed to have the opportunity to see her and say my goodbye.

Next came the call that Andys dad had cancer. That was the sign we had been looking/waiting for. We were to move to California. Saying goodbye to all our (my) family and friends. It's ok, it won't be forever, right? Thankfully we have the technology we do today and I can still talk to all of you, however it's just not the same. It's like a goodbye to me, to who I am because you all make me the person I am. We did all of our hugs and I pray everyday that those will not be the last hugs I give all of you.

The most recent goodbye was completely unexpected and the reason I do pray that our hugs will not be our last. July 7th I am sitting at Andys work as my phone rings. It's Diane....I wonder what she could want. As I say hi and ask her how she is doing I hear her voice change. You could tell how hard she was trying to stay calm. "I'm not doing very well." I've never heard those words come out of her mouth before, it was something bad. "My dad killed himself Bran" I could hear the pain and tears in her voice. All I do is cry. Trying so hard to make it sound like I am not crying just wanting to be strong for her. I can't even ask how it happened, I can't do that to her.

We are on the phone about 5-10 minutes then we hang up and all I can do is cry. Andy came out of the restroom to me crying. At this point all I want to do is be in Utah. Why did we have to move to California?? Does she want me out there? Is that going to cause too much stress? As I am looking up flights with our non-existant money I get the guts to ask her if she wants me out there. My heart feels a LITTLE better when I get the text "I would love that" back. Good, cause I need you Diane. I don't know what to do.

I hop on the next flight out to Utah and Cara picks me up. After a little delay at the airport we are on our way to Dianes. I think that was honestly the longest day of my life. Waiting for Andy to get off work to take me to the airport, waiting for the plane, trying to find the parking ticket and then the drive down there. I wanted to be happy and have a good time with Cara but I couldn't. It just didn't feel right. Finally we pull up to Dianes moms, I get to hug her. We spend the night together and all I want to do is hold her, but I don't. I just don't know what to do.

The rest of the week all I can do is say "I'm here for you Diane, if you want me to be there I will be there. If you need time alone I don't want to push you" All I want is to be with her. To be able to cry with her. I just don't believe it. How could he be that selfish? He had the two greatest kids in the world, why would he do such a thing? Why can't I be there? I am blessed to be able to spend "family time" with the Porters and go to Park City with them. It was wonderful but there is still no goodbye for me. I have to come back to Cali before the funeral. Things still don't feel right. I don't think anything will ever be the same. I came home to my sister in law complaining about having to write a report on suicide and all I can think of is 'you don't even know'. Trying to somewhat explain any type of feeling that is going through my head without screaming at her or bawling my eyes out. All my views and opinions changed within a few hours of the phone call and then to have someone not understand or even care. Why? How?

I never got my goodbye and I suppose I never will so Goodbye Davey! I love you and I am glad that you are happier now and not in pain anymore.

No more goodbyes seem signifigant. I don't want to say goodbye anymore. I just want to be there, always.

I am so sorry Cara and Diane if at anytime during these hard times in your life I was not there. I didn't know what to say, what to do. I stood there like a fool trying to make you smile during the hardest time in your lives. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be there. I know you are both still hurting so bad and I still want to be with you. Why this year? Why did I have to move to California this year? Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your lives. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I know how much pain I am still in and I didn't know either of them as much as you guys did. I love you both! Please let me know if there is anything more I can do.

Andy always wonders why I always want to be at his dads house, I just realized it. I am so afraid of having to say another goodbye. It doesn't matter how well his Chemo is going, I can't say goodbye. I just can't. Not this year.

I made my two friends at work and I get to say goodbye to both of them in the next month because they get to move.

I pray that all of our hugs will not be our last. Thank you so much for all of your love and support! Please keep in touch! I love all of you! No Goodbyes!